...maybe it is? There are many who know me who would be surprised to hear it. What? Why now? Didn't you already walk through hell in the fight of your life 5 1/2 years ago? Yes, I guess I did. But that was an "obvious" fight that everyone who knew me could see and witness. When decisions are made for you and the end of a relationship comes in a way you never imagined, it feels like fighting--fighting off the hurt and pain and rejection in a mental, spiritual and emotional battle--just to make it through. God's redemption and grace were revealed in AMAZING ways during that healing process...and it certainly continues to be in new ways every day as I keep walking with him.
What I'm walking through now is harder in many ways because it isn't obvious. I can't pinpoint a specific "thing" or event. This is the kind of fight where, in order to see more of the plan for your life and watch God move in it, you keep going...keep going...keep serving God...be faithful in what he's already asked you to do...keep in covenant in relationship with him and with a spiritual family...digging in deeper than ever and guarding what he shows you, tells you... (have you figured out yet that I like to use the "..." a lot??)
This year marked significant change in a lot of ways. I prayed beginning last year specifically for God to change my heart to what HE wanted for me. I've had plans, dreams, goals...nothing wrong with any of them, but I wanted to make sure I was really listening instead of just forging ahead with what I thought was best. (been there. done that. have the t-shirt!) Have you ever just felt like you're in a holding pattern?? Waiting to land but not quite sure where yet? Sometimes just afraid to make the "wrong" move--is that God showing you something or are you just trying to figure things out on your own and make stuff happen? Hmm...maybe that's just me and you haven't ever done that?!? :) That's what I'm talking about...and it's FAR too easy to let complacency set in when you're not careful to keep going! I fight it all the time. I'm determined--absolutely determined--that the grace of God will not allow me to go down in defeat this time. This is it. My feet are planted. By his grace I will make the right steps. I've reminded myself many times of Galatians 6:9-10, "Let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers." I have a testimony of just how TRUE that is...plugging in and being faithful in serving, doing what God has already called you to do day in and day out...that is where you find yourself. You find who he is making you to be. So many times we're just anxious for the next BIG thing--you know, THE plan--the day where all of a sudden everything is made crystal clear and some exciting huge job, relationship or event comes our way...the flashing neon sign that says "Here's your DESTINY, Girl...GO for it! (or insert "Champ!" if you're a guy)...but if we're not even following through with what God has already asked us to do then why do we expect more? I would think that my neon sign isn't going to be there if I'm sitting around already in defiance of what God has asked me to do. I mean, I'm no expert or theologian but I think that's pretty safe to assume.
So, that's still where I am at the moment, but it's great. I guess that is why I called this blog "under construction." I was creating it and just named it that temporarily (meaning that I didn't have a banner or design yet--I was constructing it) but the thought kind of stuck. I am a work in progress, and I never want to be closed to new directions and INTERRUPTIONS. Ps. Steve Murrell spoke this morning of God's right to interrupt our lives. I'm so glad for my interruptions. (I've had many of them because I'm a detailed kind of person and in the past I've always liked to plan and know where I'm going way in advance. Ha! :) My current interruption in the plan for '09 is that I'm taking a huge step toward something that I don't even fully understand the whys and hows and impact of...Africa is SIX WEEKS away. I'm a woman who never thought my life would have much to do with foreign mission work. Maybe it won't be long term, God hasn't revealed that yet, but I'm just amazed as I watch the doors open for this single opportunity that it is happening. Because it is so "random" in the natural but very purposeful in the spiritual, there isn't any other explanation than, "but God!"
I knew I was excited about turning 30 this year...and I've felt that something big is around the corner. I'd say Africa is pretty big. I don't know WHERE I would be without his grace. Like one of my favorite worship songs says, it is "Grace that restores, grace that redeems, grace that releases me to worship...grace that repairs visions and dreams, grace that releases miracles, Your grace." (by Israel Houghton and Aaron Lindsey)
If you're still reading, every post won't be this long. Stay tuned.
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